The Rocky Horror Q Show
Posted on Thu Oct 31st, 2024 @ 4:53am by Chief Engineer Michael Burnstein & Chief Helmsman Kalahaeia t'Leiya
Mission:
Elsewhere
Location: Outpost 112 & SB Aeon
Timeline: many years ago
10432 words - 20.9 OF Standard Post Measure
** Sit back and enjoy, a _Science Fiction Double Feature_, with some perhaps, familiar characters...**
| Spoof: On |
The bodies of half a dozen different species lay scattered throughout the ruins of the once-secure complex designed to protect the artifact. Divash was surveying the rubble, wondering where to even begin to start to look for survivors. Ash struggled back to her feet. Captain Carlin sagged against the wall, exhausted. "MacNamara's loose in the time stream. What a horror show."
There was a flash of blue light and the sound of wind chimes. Both Officers turned, wondering what new disaster was about to befall them. And it was worse than they imagined. There, reclined upon the top of the ruined roof was Q.
"My dear Captain," Q tutted. "This is just a normal consequence of playing games with time. Perhaps once your species matures a little more, you'll understand these things."
"Damnit Q, how much of this is your doing?" Carlin growled.
"Mine?" he asked innocently. "All I've done is watch you charming little animals run in circles trying over and over again to get it right. And frankly, I'm bored with the entire show." He waved his arm towards the carnage and the shattered sky. "All this drama... all of you leaking your disgusting fluids all over everything. A horror show you called it? Well now... Perhaps it's time for exactly that, mon capitaine!"
With a snap of his fingers and the scene instantly changed. The entire crew – living and dead – of Outpost 112 were now sitting in cloth beach-recliners, looking up at a perfectly black nothing. Most of them were in tuxedos, although a few were in fantastic costumes that seemed to make no sense. Then, out of the nothing, a giant pair of shocking red lips with glaringly white teeth faded into view and begin singing:
"Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand
and Flash Gordon was there
in silver underwear..."
Carlin's brows rose. "Lips?! Why are we looking at giant lips?"
"Forget the lips." Kali gestured around. "Why are we dressed like this?"
Divash nodded. "Yes. And why am I the only one in the Outfit That Taste Forgot?"
"You?" Arnason looked around for something to cover his outfit – or lack thereof. He was dressed only in gold speedos and high-top muscle-man shoes.
"Claude Rains was The Invisible Man
Then something went wrong
for Fay Wray and King Kong
They got caught in a celluloid jam
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From Outer Space..."
Divash looks him up and down. "I don't know," the Orion smiled, "It's not a bad look on you…"
Gable snorted and Gunnar covered his face, cheeks going red.
"It's not so bad," Ferrari said, though grateful he was in a cool retro biker's outfit. "We could all be dressed like Burnie."
Strangely, despite his outfit, Burnie seemed the least uncomfortable. In fact, he twisted a little, examining the fishnet stockings and heels before looking around at them with an incredulous smile. He couldn't believe he was the only one who recognized the outfits and where they came from.
"Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature
Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature
See Androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh)/
Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh
A late night double feature picture show..."
"Actually," Burnie said with slightly manic grin. "If this means what I think it does, eventually, you all will be."
"Thank Goddess!" Divash exclaimed and glanced around the horrified stares on the rest of them. "What? That's a much better outfit. I'd trade with Burnie right now if I thought this dress would fit him."
He ducked his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. "That, um, might be better casting actually..."
"Casting? Where is this place?" T'Ango asked, whiskers twitching. "We were on the Marrat and..."
Carlin frowned at Burnie. "Lieutenant, what exactly do you mean by casting?"
"Well, sir, there's this cult film from back in the 20th century..."
"I knew Leo G. Carroll
Was over a barrel When Tarantula took to the hills
And I really got hot
When I saw Janette Scott
Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the runes
And passing them used lots of skills
But When Worlds Collide
Said George Pal to his bride
I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills
Like a...
Science fiction (ooh ooh ooh) double feature
Doctor X (ooh ooh ooh) will build a creature
See androids fighting (ooh ooh ooh) Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in (ooh ooh ooh) Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show
I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
By R.K.O. - Wo oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
In the back row - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show!"
As the Lips finished, Burnie wrapped up his brief explanation of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. "So, I'm dressed as Dr. Frank N Furter, Major Hirsch, you're Brad – the Hero."
The Major took his glasses off. "Dammit, I look more like a book worm than a hero."
"…Dr. Divash, you're Janet, his fiance…"
"I'M the inexperienced virgin?!" She glared at him, then around at wherever Q had gone. "You've GOT to be kidding!"
"…Gunnar, you're Rocky, the Monster. Durst, you're evidently Riff Raff, with the hump there..."
"What hump?" the Kainan asked, trying to sight along his own shoulders.
"...and Commander Kali, you seem to be Magenta, his sister. T'Ango, you're Columbia, the groupie. Lieutenant Commander Ferrari, judging by the leather and the bloody cut across your forehead, you're Eddie. Rocky's got half your brain…"
Ferrari rolled his eyes.
"Captain, since you're in a wheelchair, you're clearly Dr. Scott, the Scientist," Burnie finished. "I'm not sure who the Criminologist is yet."
"Q! We're not playing some stupid game for your entertainment!" Carlin shouted. "Get us out of here!!"
There was another flash of light and Q, dressed incongruously in blue-jeans and a t-shirt and holding a bag of movie popcorn appears next to him, replacing Lt T'Ango in her beach chair. "Mon capitaine! This isn't for my entertainment!" He munched another handful of popcorn. "Well, not entirely at least. There's a point to be made here. Why, even Jean-Luc Picard got something out of my attempts to teach him, and aren't you more of a man than he?"
Carlin scowled. "Forget it Q. Send us back. Now."
"But you didn't like it there," Q reminded puckishly. "You called it a horror show!"
"This isn't funny," the Captain stated flatly. "We're not playing."
"Yes, you are," Q countered, more serious. "You will all find yourselves compelled to play your various parts, Captain. You have free will here, to a degree, and the consequences are real, but you will work your way through this... lesson plan."
Carlin shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous."
Q faded away like the Cheshire Cat, as T'Ango faded back in. "Be thankful Captain... I could have sent you to Sherwood Forest, you know..."
Suddenly there was another flash and the nothingness was replaced with a stage. In front of everyone was Dr. Darid Kai, dressed in a suit and tie, with a cigarette holder in his hand, seated at a desk in a study.
Darid looked around, examined the cigarette holder briefly, then carefully set it aside as though placing some odd artifact back in its property case. He looked down at an old fashioned paper book, open on the desk in front of him and scanned the script, running finger down the page. "We seem to have skipped some foreshadowing, but I don't suppose the Major would sing a proposal... or Divash accept..."
"I should think not," she huffed.
Hirsch nodded firmly. "I'm already married."
"It's only a role in a play - a musical parody, from what I can see. Ms. Warren strikes me as someone who understands theater." Kai looked out at the audience. "I'm sure she'll understand."
"As long as they avoid Method Acting..." Warren muttered.
"Yes, well," Kai cleared his throat slightly, returning to scanning the page. "I believe I'm supposed to start here: It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee Janet Weiss (two young ordinary healthy kids) left Denton that late November evening to visit Dr Everett Scott, ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out." He closed the book marking the place. "It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time."
Lightning cracked and Hirsch and Divash were suddenly in an antique car driving through dark countryside in a torrential downpour. A motorcycle zipped past them.
The doctor frowned. "I hope that wasn't Ferrari."
"I don't think he'd be stupid enough to drive like that in these conditions," Hirsch assured and applied brakes as the car's headlights hit a 'Dead End' sign. "I guess we must have missed a turn." He took a moment to figure out the antiquated gear shift, and put the car in reverse.
BLAM!
Divash ducked "Was that a shot?"
"I don't think so," he said trying to get the car to move. "Judging by how the car's responding, I'd say a tire blew. If I recall, back in this era, they were just inflated rubber tubes."
She frowned. "I don't suppose the cars had comm systems either."
"No. It was all land lines." The Major scanned the dark landscape. "This far out, we'll have to find someplace with one to call for a tow."
Looking out the window at the rain, she frowned. "You know, if you were anyone else, I'd suggest enjoying that big back seat until the rain let up."
"I appreciate your restraint," Hirsch chuckled. "Waiting for the storm to blow over seems like a good idea though."
A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, dropping it across a stream which diverted it toward the car. Within moments water started coming in through the bottom of the door.
Hirsch and Divash exchanged a look, sharing the same thought: Q wanted them to get out of the car. Knowing things will only get worse if they don't, they slipped out, wading a few steps to drier ground.
"The only good thing about this stupid dress was that it was dry," Divash groused, opening a newspaper to hold over her head.
"There's a house of some sort back this way," Hirsch suggested.
Lightning struck and a rock formation in the shape of a castle was silhouetted against the sky. It had a flag flying from the turret and a glow of light appeared in a window, illuminating a path to the castle.
"Oh good," Divash remarked dryly. "There's a light at the spooky castle."
Almost on cue, phantom voices began to sing:
There's a light
Over at the Frankenstein place.
There's a light
Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light, a light
In the darkness of everybody's life.
The voices continued the same song as the two trudged through the rain. They seemed to be getting no closer. Finally, fed up with the phantom chorus, Divash started singing along in a mocking tone.
"There's a li-i—ight..." she chorused in sarcastic soprano, "...burning in the darkness of everybody's life!"
The lights were suddenly much closer and another flash of lighting illuminated the sign which read: FRANK N. FURTER - SCIENTIST. They hurried up the path to the door.
"Great. We get to sing to move this foolishness along," Hirsch muttered as he reached out and activated the door chime.
With a loud squeal, the castle door opened. Durst stood in the doorway wearing a filthy, tattered butler's outfit, his fur looked stringy. "Hello."
"The car Q stuffed us in broke down," Hirsch huffed. "Can we get access to a comm system?"
The Kainan sniffed. "You're wet."
Divash rolled her eyes. "Um, yes. Rain tends to make people wet. Very good, Petty Officer."
"Sorry." He dipped his head apologetically. "I'm having a hard time getting used to being teleported all over. You two should come inside, ma'am, sir."
The two officers stepped in out of the rain and Durst showed them into the entry way, shutting the door behind them.
"Well," the doctor looked around, hands on hips. "The décor matches the dress – tasteless and creepy."
Hirsh pursed his lips. "It looks like a hunting lodge for rich weirdos on Septus Three."
"I think there's some sort of party going on." Durst motioned for them to follow. "Here, I'll show you."
Kali was perched on the banister to the stairs and dressed in a French maid's outfit, which she looked distinctly unhappy about it. "About time! Q said unless we do this next number we'll be stuck in these outfits for all eternity!" She slipped and slid down the banister, dropping the feather duster she was holding. "Whoops!"
Catching the falling duster just as the clock chimed, ominously, Durst walked over to the clock – which was mounted in a coffin - and music began to play. He felt himself compelled to begin singing. "It's astounding! Time is fleeting!" He turned his head to look at the three officers behind him and shook his head to try to indicate that this wasn't his idea. "Madness... takes its toll! But listen closely..." His ears flattened back on his head.
"Not for very much longer..." Kali sang sliding up behind Divash.
"I've got to... keep control!" Durst nodded rapidly – he was trying to keep control, but Q was pulling the strings. "I remember!! Doing the Time Warp!"
The song continued as he danced about the room, feeling like a marionette. The manic energy of his dance lead him back to Kali who joined in the song. The huge Kainan bent down nearly double and the two of them rubbed their elbows and palms together, ending with their hands over their heads.
Hirsch and Divash tried to dodge out of the way and the pair of dancers chased after them, through a pair of doors.
They froze, looking out at dozens of Starfleet, Sindareen, and Cardassians beneath a banner that proclaimed: 'Annual Transylvanian Convention'. All were dressed in tuxedos and party hats, and they suddenly sang out in chorus: "Let's do the Time Warp again!!"
Kai stood up at his desk and pulled down a chart, indicating the dance steps. "Apparently, it's just a jump to the left..."
"And then a step the riiiiighhtt!" the crowd sang, sliding the step.
"Put your hands on your hips..." Kai explained, demonstrating.
"And put your knees in tiiiggghht!" the crowd continued, dancing the moves. "It's the pelvic thruuusst that really drives you insaaanneee!"
"What the hell?" Hirsch exclaimed, appalled.
Divash however was dancing along. "Hey, it's a fun dance. I just don't understand why they're wearing so many clothes."
"I really don't think you should be encouraging them, Doctor," Hirsch chided stiffly.
"It's so dreamy! Oh fantasy free me! So you can't see me..." I wish no one could see me! Kali thought as she was compelled to follow the choreography. "No not at all. In another dimension with voyeuristic intention..."
Things continued along this line until Durst and Kali danced their way over to a juke-box with Lt T'Ango perched upon it in a glittery, gold-sequined cabaret outfit and top hat. She began singing as well. "Well I was walking down the street, just having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise, he had a pick-up truck and the Devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, Time meant nothing, never would again!"
Hirsch shook his head in disbelief. "This is insane!"
"Kinda catchy though..." Divash smiled, till dancing as the song continued.
Kali and Durst were continually rubbing elbows and palms. T'Ango launched herself off the juke-box with a squeal and began a tap-dancing routine past the line of party-goers. Like Dr. Divash, she'd decided to just go with the flow and enjoy it. Tap wasn't her style, but she was having a good time – right up until she stumbled on the stairs.
"Come along Doctor ...this isn't the right place to be," Hirsch said, trying to get Dr. Divash's attention even as he was backing towards the doors. Then everyone suddenly collapsed on the floor. They paused. "Well, Doctor? What now?"
"Hey, anyone here know how to do a real dance?" she asked.
Hirsch groaned. "That was not what I had in mind, Doctor. Let's get out of here and see if we can find our way back to someplace a bit more... normal."
He grabbed Divash and started backing away as the guests got up and followed, not looking friendly.
Divash eyed the Sindareen in the group. "I don't like the look of this."
"Just stay calm, Doctor. Maybe they're just going to do another..." he cleared throat slightly, "...folk dance."
They heard a noise behind them and turned to see a lift descending. Divash looked though the cage door at sparkly high heels. The figure inside was Burnie. The outfit they'd already seen was covered in a long cloak, but now he was also made up in white face, dramatic eye make-up and bright red lipstick. He gave Divash a big grin and then turned an amused gaze at Major Hirsch.
Hirsch's eyes went wide. His jaw opened, closed. "Lieutenant?"
"How do you do?" Burnie vamped, totally in character - he'd done Rocky Horror movie nights before, with crowd participation, and figured if you're going to do Frank, you should go for it. "I see you've met my faithful..." he smiled, glancing at Durst, "...handyman. He's a little brought down because when you knocked. He thought you were the... candyman."
He strode past, managing the heels surprisingly well. "Don't get strung out by the way I look."
Divash grinned. "I Like it."
"Doctor..." Hirsch warned under his breath.
Burnie waggled his eyebrows and headed toward the throne across the room, half-singing, "Don't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not much of a man / By the light of day. / But by night I'm one hell of a lover."
As Divash applauded, Burnie flashed a grin. He flung the cloak over the throne, revealing the transvestite outfit. All the guests screamed with delight!
Divash wolf whistled. "Nice legs!"
Hirsch looked upward, as if for strength.
"I'm just a Sweet Transvestite," Burnie sang, hamming it up. "From Transsexual Transylvania." He headed back toward Divash and Hirsch. "Let me show you around. Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both," he glanced at Hirsch, and rolled eyes, "pretty groovy."
"Look," the Major said. "we just need to use the comm and then we'll go back to the car."
The Orion doctor ran a hand up Burnie's chest. "Speak for yourself."
Hirsch pulled her back - the last thing he needed for her to start an orgy with this crowd. "We don't want to cause any trouble."
Burnie gave him a smug smile. "You got caught with a flat. Well how about that. Well babies don't you panic. By the light of the night..." he held the note, "It'll all be alright. I'll get you a satanic mechanic."
He turned and streamers fell as he strutted back to the throne singing 'Sweet Transvestite', with everyone following. He draped himself sideways across the throne as Durst knelt on one side, Kali got behind the throne to hide the stupid maid outfit, and T'Ango knelt on the other side, chin poised over Burnie's ankle, flashing fangs as though considering taking a bite.
Divash started up after them, but Hirsch pulled her back.
Burnie made an inviting gesture. "Why don't you stay for the night."
"Night," Durst and Kali chorused.
"Or maybe a bite," Burnie said with a wide smile.
Durst and T'Ango clicked teeth as Kali said "Bite."
"I could show you my favorite obsession." Burnie smiled languidly. "I've been making a man. With blonde hair and a tan."
Divash's brows lifted. "A tan?"
Burnie smiled at her. "And he's good for relieving my..." he paused a long, long beat, "...tension."
Divash fanned herself. "Burnie, I didn't know you had it in you."
Jumping up, he camped to 'Sweet Transvestite', storming back to the lift as the guests joined in. Then turning dramatically, he struck a pose in the lift. "So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici..." he paused a beat, "...pation. But maybe the rain / Is really to blame," he sang, and smirked. "So I'll relieve the cause." He closed the lift. "But not the symptom!"
The guests applauded as the lift ascended and Durst and Kali went to remove Divash's and Hirsch's wet clothes. Durst initially headed for Divash, but receiving death glare from Kali, opted to play valet for Hirsch.
Stripping Divash, Kali tried not to look despite awareness of her friend's complete lack of modesty. "Sorry..."
"Don't be. About time I got to lose that hideous dress," the Orion replied, pulling off the top. She looked at the bra. "Ugh. The underclothes are even uglier! No wonder this Janet character's a virgin."
Hirsch frowned down at his tighty-whiteys. "I don't think I've worn these since I was in Basic Training."
"Well, Major, looks like we get to have more fun upstairs in the lab..." T'Ango said with an ushering motion.
"Fun? That's not what I'd call it." He puffed a breath while Durst pulled his t-Shirt over his head. "Lost the hat huh?"
T'Ango took the pairs' clothes and tossed them. "Q's omnipotent, sir, might as well enjoy the ride!"
Durst and Kali hustled everyone into the lift. Durst took a big swig of a bottle of something that appeared in his hand as they rode up to Burnie's lab. The engineer was now standing there in a more formal gown with a pink triangle adorning his left chest. The gallery was lined with all the 'party goers' who had been singing below.
"Magenta. Columbia, go and assist Riff Raff..." he commanded.
T'Ango gave Kali a playful grin and a shrug and headed off to follow Durst, Kali finally doing the same. Burnie approached Hirsch and Divash. "I will entertain... Um…er…." he extended his hand to the Major.
Hirsch ignored the hand. "You have got to be kidding me, Lieutenant."
Taking the hint, Burnie instead reached down and took Divash's hand, kissing it. "Enchante'."
She smiled. "We are so having a long, uninterrupted chat when we get back, Burnie..."
"What charming underclothes you both have. But here, put these on," he said, tossing lab coats at them. "You'll feel less... vulnerable. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality."
Putting on the lab coat, Hirsch strode up behind Burnie, who was drinking champagne. "Hospitality? Lieutenant, have you gone completely bat-sh@! Crazy? All we asked for was a comm link and you've chosen to ignore that very reasonable request!"
"How forceful you are... sir. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So..." He glanced down. "Dominant." Then catching the Major's expression, broke character to whisper. "Play along sir, Q's not going to let us out of this until we've done what he wants." Then resuming character, he turned to Divash. “You must be awfully proud of him, Janet," he said and winked at her.
Her brows rose. "Oh yes."
With that Burnie spun and headed to the large microphone flanked by Kali and T'Ango, where he explained that he has managed to create life, to the surprised applause of the unconventional conventioneers in the galleries. Divash also applauded – if anyone was going to manage it, it would have to be Burnie.
Hirsch glared at her. "Really Doctor, please don't encourage him."
Kali and T'ango removed a red silk sheet from a tank containing humanoid figure wrapped entirely in bandages. Burnie gave orders to Durst, who adjusted a number of very phallic levers and other controls, causing sparks, steam, and flashing lights to fill the lab. The Kainan then began spinning a large wheel, dropping a mechanism over the tank. Burnie then tweaked a number of valves, dropping chemicals into the vat and filling it with rainbow colors.
The thing in the tank struggled to stand to the applause of the gallery. Durst climbed the ladder at the edge of the vat and pulled the wrappings off its head, revealing Gunnar Arnason's shocked expression.
On the end of the tank opposite Durst, Burnie whispered, "Sing, It's the only way through," then resumed character. "Oh, Rocky!"
Oookkkaaay... Gunnar shrugged and when the mechanism dropped lower and he instinctively grabbed it only to find that it now lifting him above the tank as he sang lyricss that seemed to pop into his head. "The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head! And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread!" He glanced down to see Durst, cackling maniacally and spinning the wheel controlling the mechanism he's hanging from, only to have Burnie use his foot to shove the much larger Kainan to the ground. "Oh! Woe is me! My life is a misery! Can't you see? That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer!"
Durst recovered his footing and began lowering the singing Icelander while Burnie headed back up to the top of the tank.
What the hell do these lyrics even mean?! Gunnar thought, even as he continued to sing them. As he was lowered, T'Ango and Kali begin to cut off his bandages, exposing more and more spray-tanned and naked skin. He was wearing nothing but skin-tight gold Speedos and high-top muscle-man boots. "I'm dressed up with no place to go!"
"Take it off!" Divash cried, applauding the strip show.
Gunnar gave her a 'Not here' look, but then Burnie began to chase Gunnar; who was highly motivated to keep away from the squealing and laughing engineer – He was beginning to have serious doubts about Burnie's sanity. Meanwhile, everyone else was singing the chorus. Finally he retreated back to the tank only to have Burnie catch up to him. "Really. That's no way to behave if we want to get out of here, 'Rocky'!"
Gunnar frowned - he was in a ridiculous outfit, painted an unnatural tan and being chased by an engineer whose sanity was questionable even before this - how was he supposed to act?
"But as you're such an exceptional beauty," Burnie winked, "I'm prepared to forgive." He crossed behind Gunnar to stand next to Durst. "I just love success!"
"He is a credit to your genius, Master," Durst said, just barely restraining the sarcasm.
Burnie smiled proudly. "Yes."
"A triumph of your will," Kali added drolly.
Burnie nodded. "Yes."
Flashing a teasing grin, T'Ango winked at Gunnar and shrugged. "He's okay."
"Okay?" Burnie's brows rose dramatically and moved around to Divash and Hirsch. "I think we can do better than that." He grinned at Divash, who was looking back and forth between both men with a very Orion glint in her eye. "What do you think?"
She looked Gunnar up and down, and ran a hand down his chest. "Nice presentation..." she licked her lips in a way that made his cheeks redden, then glanced at Burnie. "I don't suppose you can fix that unfortunate tendency to blush at a compliment?"
"I didn't make him for you," he declared, pulling Gunnar back. "And he carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval."
Dragging Gunnar over to some gift-wrapped workout equipment that he unveiled with a flourish, Burnie began to sing again. "A weakling, weighing ninety-eight pounds, will get sand in his face, when kicked to the ground."
"Burnie," Gunnar whispered. "When exactly was your last psych exam?"
"shhh!" Burnie shushed at him before resuming the song with dramatic flair. "And soon in the gym, with a determined chin... the sweat from his pores as he works for his cauuuse... We'll make him glisten and gleam and with massage and just a little bit of steeeaaaaammmm..." he traced a finger down Gunnar's chest, at which Gunnar stepped back, initially in polite 'no thank you' but then backed completely out of the way as Burnie kicked it up a notch, prancing about the room and singing more about the proposed workout plan for him.
Coming up next to Gunnar, T'Ango started rubbing petroleum jelly onto his shoulders and chest, whispering, "Sorry about the fur... Q's narrating in my head what to do. I think he's drunk or something..."
Burnie meanwhile was completely hamming it up by performing a wild dance routine on a pommel horse while he sang. Finally jumping down and he gathered up Arnason with his arms across his shoulders, walking him over to a large, red, secure door. "When in just seven days, oh baby! I can make you a maaaaan!!!"
Suddenly an alarm light sounded and the door began to drop on the two men, making them scramble out of the way.
The large refrigeration unit door slowly opened, falling like a drawbridge. Inside was a wall of ice and many CocaCola bottles. Through these burst an icy Ferrari riding a 1940w Harley Davidson motor bike, with a saxophone slung over across his back. He was wearing shades and a storm trooper style helmet.
T'Ango bounced, clapping excitedly. "Eddie!"
Parking the bike, Ferrari threw off the shades and helmet. "Whoo, that's cold!"
Divash looked at Ferrari. "Who's Eddie?"
"The delivery boy," Durst said, tipping his head to indicate Ferrari.
Kali smirked. "Looks like his delivery wasn't good enough."
Ferrari got off the bike and shook a little to get feeling back in his limbs - a freezer was no place for a Vulcan hybrid. As he took in the bizarre lab and its costumed denizens, a Rock 'n Roll beat started playing in the background. Words began pressing into his mind and something tried to get his body to move. The Spec Ops Commander gritted his teeth and planted his feet, using all his will power and special training on countering telepathic control, but after a few moments he was almost shaking with the effort.
He's going to have a stroke! T'Ango leapt at Ferrari, wrapping arms and legs around him so he couldn't toss her off, and whispered, "Q won't let this end until we sing. Just play along."
Q. Right It only took a moment to reach a conclusion of 'What the hell'. He swung T'Ango around and set her on the bike, then struck a pose.
Realizing he was going to do it, T'Ango clapped happily.
The music restarted and Ferrari did an Elvis swivel. "Whatever happened to Saturday night / When you dressed up sharp," he looked at Arnason, who glanced upward with a 'Give me strength' look, "And you felt alright /It don't seem the same since cosmic light /Came into my life and I thought I was di-vi-ine," he sang strutting away. "I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go // And listen to the music on the radio-o..."
The guests all started to cheer and rock-n-roll as he continued to sing. Even Durst and Kali started to step it out, a comical sight with the petite Romulan and towering Kainan.
What the heck is a 'Hot Patootie? Ferrari thought as he continued singing/reciting the lyrics popping into his head and started dancing with T'Ango as the next verse comes up. "My head used to swim /From the perfume I smelled. / My hands kind of fumbled / With her white plastic belt. / I'd taste her baby pink lipstick, / And that's when I'd melt. / And she'd whisper in my ear / Tonight she really was mi-ine." He spun T'Ango away and walked over to Divash. "Get back in front and put / Some hair oil on. / Buddy Holly was singing / His very last song. / With your arms around your girl / You tried to - ah - sing along / It felt pretty good, too," he smiled at her, "Really had a good ti-i-ime..."
Feeling another chorus of 'Hot Patootie' coming on, he jumped on the bike and revved it, then took off and roared round the laboratory, making guests dive out of the way. Then he stopped, realizing that he suddenly knew how to play the sax! Hopping off he started to play.
Everyone was dancing. Divash tried to get Hirsch to dance, gave up and grabbed Gunnar who was more than happy to oblige.
Burnie meanwhile slipped into the icebox, tugged on Durst's sleeve and whispered something to him and Kali. They exchanged looks but slowly nodded. After all, Burnie seemed to be the only one who knew what was going supposed to be going on here.
On the last chorus, Burnie suddenly ran at Ferrari. Surprised, but with no reason to fear Burnie of all people no matter how strangely he's dressed, he didn't react at first. Kali said something no one else could hear over the music and then Burnie swung an ice pick, striking Ferrari in the chest! Clutching the pick, he toppled backward into the freezer.
Divash and Gunnar both instantly went from Janet and Rocky to Starfleet medical officers and rushed to help him. The Doctor skidded to a stop at the sight of red fluid that was too bright to be human blood and definitely the wrong color to be Ferrari's. She looked a question at Burnie.
He sucked drop of ketchup off his finger and winked. "One from the vaults." Snapping back into character, he made a dramatic gesture as Durst and Kali drug Ferrari away. "And so perish all those who reject my love!"
Arnason exchanged a glance with Divash. There was a fine line between genius and insanity and Burnie seemed to be dancing across it. In heels.
Burnie grinned at Gunnar. "Not to worry. You're much too beautiful to be destroyed," he said, giving a dismissive wave toward Ferrari. "He had a certain naive charm - but no muscle."
Arnason's brows lifted. "No muscle? He's a Marine."
Ignoring the remark, Burnie started singing 'I'll Make You a Man' again while Durst and Kali removed his lab coat revealing the transvestite outfit. He struck a pose, kick-stepped toward Gunnar and grabbed his arm, pulling him toward a curtained stage as the music changed to something like a wedding march. Gunnar looks back over his shoulder at Divash.
She smiled happily and started after them, singing, "I'm a muscle fan..."
"Doctor!" Hirsch exclaimed, aghast.
"What? Burnie said Janet sleeps with both of them." She gestured toward where they've disappeared behind the curtain. "This seems like the perfect opportunity."
Instantly everyone was frozen in place, and then they vanished, replaced by Dr. Kai, sitting at his desk, looking studious as he read from the large book placed on a stand next to the desk. "There are those who say that life is an illusion and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination..." He looked up. "We can surely hope so." Returning to the book, he continued. "If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe. However, the sudden departure of their host and his “creation” into the seclusion of his somber bridal ...suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy." He frowned, adding sotto voce, "They aren't the only ones..." Returning to narrator voice, he said, "A feeling that grew as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms.
The view returned to show Durst and Kali by a monitor. They switched from channel to channel. The first one showed Major Hirsch is his room, filtered in blue light, examining the TV monitor. The next showed Divash in her room, filtered in red light, curled seductively on the bed and watching the door expectantly.
Kali pursed her lips. "Red's the wrong color for her."
"I dunno," Durst smiled, tongue lolling out, "seems appropriate..."
The scene shifted to Divash, a soft glow of moonlight falling on the netting surrounding her bed. There was a knock on the door.
"Who's there?" she called, sounding more like Mae West than Janet.
"It's only me, Janet," Burnie said, trying to imitate Hirsch's voice.
"Burnie!" Divash smiled and patted the mattress invitingly.
"You're supposed to think I'm 'Brad'," he stage whispered.
The Orion rolled onto her back, smiling playfully as she recited Janet's line. "Oh, Brad, darling, come in."
Quickly crossing to the bed, Burnie's eyes suddenly widened as he got past the net curtain. "Are you naked?"
"I always sleep in the nude. I can turn the light on if you want a better look."
If only the entire outpost, not to mention a host of Cardassians and Sindareen, weren't watching... He swallowed. "No, don't do that."
She reached up and pulled him onto the bed. "Oh, don't be so shy."
"This is just supposed to be play acting," he whispered.
"If I'd known how much you liked role playing..." she said with a throaty chuckle, running a hand up his fishnet stockings. "I have some other dress-up you can try next time-"
Burnie kissed her before she could make that image any more explicit, to which Divash responded enthusiastically. He just managed to pull the sheets over them before all thought of an audience was forgotten.
When the motion under the sheets finally stopped, they emerged looking ruffled but happy.
Divash patted Burnie's chest, purring Janet's line. "Oh, you beast, you monster" She flashed a sly grin. "So, what did you do with Gunnar?"
"Well, nothing." His lips twitched, unable to resist the line. "Why, do you think I should?"
Divash gave a look that clearly said 'Duh!' "Yes. Do you know how long I've been trying to get him to go for having another guy in the bed?"
"Uh..." Trying to mentally erase that bit of TMI, he went back to the script. "Ssssh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like this?"
"Why? Do you think he'd want to join in?"
Burnie could almost feel Warren glaring darts from the audience. He was not looking forward to the next scene. "Well, the Major's married so..."
Rolling on top of him, Divash grinned. "Then I guess we shouldn't tell him."
"Cross my heart and hope to die..."
The scene faded to black, refocusing on Arnason in the room off the laboratory. He was stretched out with his eyes closed, and seemed to be slumbering peacefully despite the fact that he was cuffed to the bed.
Durst and Kali entered and stared at the sleeping man.
"How can anyone fall asleep chained up like that?" Durst wondered.
Practice. Kali shook her head. "Don't ask."
As they released him, he stirred, then rolled over and went back to sleep.
Kali poked him. "Hey, 'sleeping beauty', wake up."
"Huh?" He rubbed his eyes, groggy. "...I had the weirdest dream..."
"You're still having it." Kali stepped back, leaving Durst, holding a huge candelabra to loom over him.
"Sorry, sir." He waved candelabra at him. "I'm supposed to menace you with this."
"Oh. Right." More awake now, he got up. "It's okay, Petty Officer. Burnie filled me in." He headed toward the lab and then took off running.
Durst bent down nearly double as he and Kali turned to each other, touched hands and roll their arms upward until their elbows touch.
"Why do we keep doing that?" he wondered.
Kali shrugged. "Beats me."
Scene switches to Hirsch's room. At a soft knock at the door and he edged over, opening it cautiously.
Wearing a robe and a wig styled like Divash's hair, Burnie ducked in, pretending to be Janet. "Oh Brad, it's no good here. It will destroy us."
Hirsch grabbed him around the throat. "What have you done with Dr. Divash?"
"Ah! Nothing!" Then recovering, he went back into character. "Why, do you think I should?"
The Major shoved him away. "I don't know what's going on here, but I have no intention of joining you in a duet."
Burnie plopped down on the bed an struck a pose, saying in a falsetto voice, "No. Not till after the wedding, darling."
Taking a step back, Hirsch tightened the sash on his robe. "No offense, Lieutenant, but not in a million years."
Whew "None taken, sir. Honestly, after all the 'nothing' with Divash, I'd just as soon rest." He laid back. "Why don't we try it this way," he suggested as he fumbled for something. "Here, have a cigar."
"Why?" Hirsch asked suspiciously.
Burnie chuckled. "Major, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." Taking off the wig, he covered his face with it and flopped on pillow. "Go on. Enjoy."
Hirsch examined the cigar - Cuban label, one of his favorite brands - and rolled it in his fingers, tempted. "The Doctor takes a dim view of smoking..."
"I won't tell her. I promise."
Just then Durst's face appeared on the viewscreen in the Major's suite. "Master," his ears twitched at that statement, "Lieutenant Arnason has escaped and is loose on the grounds and Commander Kali has just released the hounds..." there's the distant sound of running and Morwen yelling 'Tally Ho!', "..er..."
Burnie sighs, wiggling his cigar at the Major who just shakes his head, sadly. "Commmmiiiinnngg!"
Hearing Morwen's baying call as she catches the scent, Durst looked at Kali. "Hey...Um... I'll be right back, ma'am..." and he took off at run to join in the chase.
There was another blue flash and the scene changed from the Major's room to Dr. Divash's, where she was sitting alone.
"I wonder what in Goddess' name is happening now. Where's Gunnar? Where's anybody for that matter." Getting up she began looking about. There was a distant sound of barking as she made her way to the elevator to Burnie's lab and headed up, wondering what the next 'scene' in Q's little burlesque show would be. Striding into the laboratory she spoke aloud. "I'd almost rather this were real than go back to what was happening. If only Q were on our side. Or at least sane. Major, where are you?" Spotting the view screen, she walked over and smiled at the very phallic lever controlling it. After giving it a pull, a image swam into being: Major Hirsch sitting in his robe and smoking a cigar while Burnie reclined on the other end of the mattress.
Divash smiled, pleasantly surprised. "Major! I didn't know you had it in you!" she laughed, a deep, indulgent chuckle. Then she spun around, hearing a muffled 'ow' sound from the large tank behind her.
She approached the tank and pulled back the sheet, revealing Arnason, sweaty, smudged with dirt and scratched up. He smiled weakly.
"You're hurt," she said, examining a bloody mark on his arm. "Who did this to you?"
"I'm okay," he replied, standing up. "Morwen tackled me..." he glanced at the scratches on his shoulder, "She needs to trim her nails."
"Morwen, eh?" She gave him a sly grin as she took some supplies from the lab table. "Here, let me take care of you..."
They vanish and Kai appears again. "Um… Okay." He reads from the large book on the stand again. "Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. Vehement or excited mental state. And from what it looks like T'ango and Kali are seeing on their monitor, there's going to be plenty of that coming up. Hoo boy." He put his hand over his face.
Kai then faded into nothing, replaced by LT T'Ango and Commander Kali lounging in pajamas and watching a viewscreen. Kali was blow-drying her hair while Tango was painting her toenails for her. And wearing a large pair of Mickey Mouse ears over her natural ears. Reaching up, she yanked them off. Mouse ears? Really?
Kali rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it, Lieutenant."
Both of them broke into giggles as music begins to play. The audience was now seeing both scenes, separated by an ominous black wall framing each view. Divash, perched on the ladder for the tank, was bandaging Gunnar's various scratches and scrapes. He was obviously enjoying the attention.
Smoothing hand over his shoulder, she checked out her work ...and his body. Mmm, Burnie was a good first course... If this isn't the scene where Janet sleeps with him, I'm editing the play She grinned as lyrics started running her head. "I was feeling done in / Couldn't win / I'd only ever kissed before."
T'Ango, watching in the next room, flicked ears forward. "She's only ever kissed?"
"Uh-huh," Kali replied sarcastically.
In the lab, Arnason laughed and Divash kissed him. The kiss was so far from inexperienced that it lasted through the next couple bars. His hands moved over her and she wrapped a leg around him.
In their black box, Kali put her hand over her eyes. "I am SO not watching this." And lacking her standard earplugs, aimed the blow dryer at her ear to drown out any noises.
As if trying to get Divash and Gunnar's attention, the volume of music suddenly increased.
Suddenly reminded that there was an audience, Gunnar broke the kiss. "Um, you know everyone's watching..."
"So?" Divash asked, not the slightest bit concerned. "They all know we sleep together."
"Yes, but..."
In reply Divash burst into song. "All I want to know / Is how to go / I've tasted blood and want more!"
Somewhere in the background voices chanted 'more! More!' as T'Ango tried to pull Kali's hand down.
"I'll put up no resistance..." the Orion sang with a sultry smile
"That's not what I'm worried about..." Gunnar said, disentangling himself.
She slipped into the tank, pursuing him. "I know you can ...go the distance. / I've got an itch to scratch," she sang, grinding against him, "I need assistance..."
Holding hands up he backed away. "There's an audience, Divash. It's -"
"Kinky?" she flashed a sly grin, arching eyebrows. "Dirty?" She grabbed his hands, placing them on her. "Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me. / I wanna be dirty! / Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me. / Creature of the night."
Gunnar was clearly torn - he wanted her but he did _not_ want to star in a porno the whole Outpost was watching. "Please..."
"Since you asked nicely..." She pushed him back against the end of the tank. "If anything grows," she glanced down, looked up and chuckled at his blush, "while you pose / I'll oil you up," she ran hands up his chest, then slid hands down his body as she shimmied down to her knees, "And rub you down."
Somewhere in the background voices chanted 'down, down, down'.
Divash grinned up at him, shameless - it'd been some time since she'd had to put any effort into seducing him and she was quite enjoying herself. "And that's just one small fraction..." she toyed with the top of the speedos, "Of the main attraction / You need a friendly hand," she put her hand in his as though asking for a hand up and when he bent to offer it, pulled him on top of her, "Oh, and I need action!"
Arnason moaned. "Oh, that's -"
"Playing dirty?" she suggested with a broad grin, wrapping arms and legs around him. "Touch-a touch-a touch-a, touch me. / I wanna be dirty."
Realizing he'd lost - or that he was rapidly losing any interest in not letting her win - Gunnar wrapped his arms around her and rolled over, twisting the sheet around both of them, before giving in completely to her last lines of 'Thrill me, chil me, fulfill me. Creature of the night.'
On the other black box screen T'Ango has been trying to pull Kali's hand from her eyes. "Come on, don't be so shy!"
"That's twisted!" Kali wrestled to keep her hand in place. "I don't wanna watch them!"
"Oh, c'mon when are you ever gonna get a chance to see THIS again? Hominids are _so_ creative!" Their wrestling match degenerated into something of a tickle fight as their black box vanished, the scene shifts to Burnie, Durst, and Major Hirsch – now in a fetching blue robe and white athletic socks – riding up in the elevator. Burnie cracked a short whip at Durst, who backed away.
"Uh…Lieutenant!?"
"How, did it happen?" Burnie huffed completely in character. "I understood you were to be _watching_!"
"I thought he was _supposed_ to be loose!" The big Kainan objected.
"See if you can find him, " Burnie cracked the whip overhead again, "on the monitor!"
By this point Hirsch was just shaking his head as Durst operated the lever and the viewscreen came to life. It showed Captain Carlin, in a wheelchair with an umbrella over his head as the rain poured down upon him.
"Hey! Lieutenant! It's the Captain!"
Burnie and the Major hurried over to the monitor.
"It's about time!" Hirsch exclaimed.
"Why is he in a wheelchair?" Durst asked.
Hirsch frowned. "Because Q's insane. Why else? At least he's finally here."
"I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting, was it Brad?" Burnie asked, trying to keep this thing on track. "You came here. With a purpose."
Hirsch nodded firmly. "Yes, to get the hell out of here."
"This..." Burnie stressed the name as he advances on the major, "Dr Everett Scott. His name is not unknown to me."
"Since he's your CO, I'd think not."
"Now he works for the government, doesn't he Brad?" Burnie asked pointedly. Really, could no one just play their roles? "He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call U! F! Os!
"Lieutenant, you have slipped a gasket."
"Sirs?" Durst interrupted. "The Captain's in the castle now..."
"He'll probably be in….in the Zen room!" Burnie announced dramatically, and on cue the scene shifted again to a room crowded with the accouterments of Eastern mysticism while sitars play softly in the background. Captain Carlin was looking around curiously as incense burned, and then the scene shifted instantly back to Burnie's lab.
Moving over to the control panel, Burnie asked dramatically, "Shall we inquire of him? In Person?" He moved the slide on a control labeled TRIPLE CONTACT ELECTROMAGNET. Again, the scene shifted, showing Captain Carlin's wheelchair suddenly moving on its own. The sound of sitars followed him as he raced through the castle, up a flight of stairs and into Kali's and T'Ango's room. The two were lounging on a single Divan, T'Ango reading a magazine titled 'MOVIE LIFE' while Kali was staring at a lit cigarette with a look that said 'WTF am I holding this?'
Both officers watched their Captain's wheelchair come into the room, circle them, and then head right back out the way it came in. They shrugged and returned to their relaxation.
Carlin was looking over his shoulder as his chair shot out the door and up the stairs. "Little help?!" But it was too late; he was long gone. Moments later, the wheelchair crashed through the wall of Burnie's lab.
"Holy shit!" Hirsch exclaimed as Carlin's wheelchair made a sudden right turn and then with the screaming sound of a crashing airplane, rolled rapidly down the ramp, past Major Hirsch, finally slamming into the electromagnet at Burnie's feet. The engineer put one high-heeled foot on the arm of Carlin's wheelchair.
"Burnstein! At last!" Carlin blew out a relieved breath. "Now we can get to the bottom of this insanity!"
Hurrying over to the Captain, Hirsch offered a hand to help him out of his wheelchair.
"Major!" Carlin smiled, pleasantly surprised.
Burnie tapped his whip in between the two men. "Don't play games Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what," he nodded his head at the Major, "Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his ...female... should check the layout for you?" He smiled wickedly. "Well, unfortunately for you all. The plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Dr. Scott." He smiled at Major Hirsch. "I know Brad is," he added with a throaty chuckle.
Carlin paused, then decided to ignore that. "Lieutenant, right now, nothing would surprise me. Once Q gets involved things go pear-shaped rather quickly. I came here to find my officers and get the hell out. Where's Ferrari?"
Hirsch looked around. "Ferrari? I've seen him."
Quickly interrupting, Burnie tried to stress the names to get folks back on script. "Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Doctor Scott?"
Carlin eyed Burnie's outfit. "Burnie, I know a great deal about a lot of things. Just nothing about whatever this sick fantasy world is."
A gasp from the tank that drew Burnie's attention, as he deactivated the electromagnet. He strode over and Gunnar and Divash, wearing nothing but the red, silk sheet from the tank both stood up.
"Doctor!" Carlin exclaimed.
"Captain!" she replied.
"Doctor!" Hirsch echoed.
"Major!" She grinned at seeing him in a casual bathrobe.
"Rocky!" Burnie said dramatically.
Arnason just turned and looked at him, confused.
"Doctor?" Carlin asked, still trying to get the Divash's attention.
"Captain?"
Noting her disheveled state and that of Arnason, Hirsch scowled. "Doctor?!"
She gave him a confused look. "Major?"
Burnie put on a heart-broken look. "Rocky!"
Totally lost now, Gunnar's head was turning, tracking each speaker.
"Doctor!" Carlin snapped, irritated.
Hirsch hooked his thumb at the Captain. "Doctor..."
"What?" Divash demanded, fed up. "Why do you humans make such a big deal about people having sex?"
"Rocky!" Burnie slapped the whip on the edge of the tank. "I made you. And I can break you just as easily."
Gunnar restrained an eyeroll. "Can you make me some pants?"
Kali suddenly interrupted the entire scene by striking a gong, having evidently ducked in through the hole that Captain Carlin's wheelchair made. "Chow's in the Officer's Mess!"
"Excellent." Burnie scowled at Divash. "Under the circumstances. Formal dress is to be optional."
The scene changed once again to Dr. Darid Kai, sitting at his desk and enjoying a glass of bourbon.
"Oh..uh..sorry." He cleared his throat. "Food has always played a vital part in life's rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man. And now ...this meal. However, informal it might appear, you may be sure that there would be very little bon homie."
The scene faded out and then in on a formal dinner table surrounded by Burnstein, T'Ango, Arnason, Carlin, Hirsch, and Divash. Burnstein was at the head of a strangely coffin shaped table, an electric carving knife in front of him. Hirsch and Divash sat to one side and T'Ango and Arnason on the other. Carlin was seated, still in a wheelchair, at the other end.
Double doors opened and Kali and Durst entered carrying meat and wine, which they brought to the head of the table. After they pour the wine, everyone rose as Burnie lifted a glass. "A toast to absent friends."
"Absent friends," they all replied.
Burnie proceeded to carve the meat and Kali and Durst distributed the slices and then returned to their places near the front.
"Everyone else is here," Carlin observed. "Where's Commander Ferrari?"
T'Ango's eyes widened. "Eddie!"
Burnie silenced her with a gesture. "It's a rather ...tender subject." He gave an overly solicitous smile. "...Another slice anyone?"
Divash and Gunnar exchanged a look across the table. The blood had just been ketchup, but... Everybody looked at their food carefully.
Carlin carefully put his fork down. "I knew this was going to be bad, but I never imagined..."
"Go on, Dr. Scott - or should I say," he paused dramatically, "Dr. von Scott?"
Carlin stared at Burnie with a WTF expression. "What's going on here, Lieutenant? The rest seem..." he glanced around, "...almost normal... But it's like you've transformed into some bizarre," he waved his hands, indicating his costume, "...alien!"
There was long beat of silence as Divash, Durst, T'Ango and Kali exchange 'Should we be offended?' looks.
Gunnar cleared his throat slightly. "Sir, there's no call for prejudice."
"What exactly are you implying?" Hirsch snapped.
Carlin held a hand up. "It's alright, Major." He looked around apologetically. "It was a poor choice of words. I'm simply very concerned about Commander Ferrari."
Seemingly out of nowhere music began and a scrapbook suddenly appeared in Carlin's hands.
"You have to sing, sir," Burnie whispered. "It's the only way Q will let us move on."
Carlin scanned the lyrics in the scrapbook. " 'Eddie didn't like his teddy'? Forget it." He slapped book shut. "Q, I am not singing this. This charade stops now."
With a snap, Q popped in, dressed in a tuxedo and sparkly hat. "Now, now, my dear Captain. Where's you sense of fun?"
"You call this fun?"
Q grinned. "It is for me."
Carlin glared. "It is not for the rest of us."
"Pish-tosh! Some of you have been having fun." He looked at T'Ango, Kali and Durst, "...however disturbing..." he opened a hand, gesturing toward Burnie. "Why even your socially inept engineer understands how to roll with a role."
"Socially inept?" Burnie looked away, and then dropped back into character. "Well, I never," he replied indignantly, then flashed a grin. "Although with a little persuasion, I might."
Divash chuckled despite herself. "I will say this has given me a whole new perspective on Burnie, but I really think we've had enough."
Q smirked. "You wouldn't say that if you knew about the orgy in the swimming pool."
Her brows shot up. "Orgy?" she asked with a hopeful smile.
"It's, uh, more a metaphor..." Burnie explained, seeing the shocked expressions on the others. "...not a real orgy..."
Speaking up before Divash could propose a rewrite, Arnason said, "That's the problem, Q, Burnie can enjoy playing his role because he knows what it's supposed to be."
Q lifted his brows. "I'd think you'd find your role easy to play." He smirked. "You've certainly had enough experience being a play thing."
"Jealous, Q?" Divash snapped. "You had your chance. It's not Gunnar's fault you're not as," she smirked back, "...well equipped for the role."
Feeling his cheeks burn, Gunnar looked away, but all eyes are drawn to T'Ango, who'd fallen backward in her chair, laughing out loud.
Q gave a dramatic, put-upon sigh. "I should have known better than to cast an Orion as 'Janet'."
"You shouldn't have 'cast' any of us Q," Carlin said, exasperated.
"Well, perhaps not you." Q pursed his lips, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Wallace might have made an interesting Dr. Scott..."
"None of us, Q." Carlin slammed lyric book down on the table. "This production is over."
"Jean-Luc was never this much of a prima donna, mon capitaine," Q pouted.
Standing up angrily from his wheelchair, Carlin moved to flip the table over, but instead, merely flipped the table top off. As Gunnar dodged back towards T'Ango, Carlin's anger turned to shock as he looked down to see Lt. Cdr. Ferrari under glass, partially covered in ketchup.
Ferrari gave a small wave.
"Q," Carlin said, deadly serious and calm. "What was the point to this foolishness? We are in the middle of a war, we don't have time to play act."
"That was the point, good captain. You have all the time in the universe at your fingertips," Q said, beginning to fade away, his final words hanging ghostly in the air. "It's all in what you decide to do with time, mon capitain... And besides. I was bored."
The dinner scene vanished with a pop, leaving everyone standing on a stage, looking out at the assembled 'audience' – Starfleet, Cardassian, and Sindareen alike.
Carlin inhaled, about to yell 'Q!!!' when Q's ghostly voice cut in. "Oh, don't blow a vein, monkey-boy." Things began to fade to white, ending with a Pop! and the echo of a final pouty word from Q. "Spoilsport."
=/\= Starbase Aeon, Hospital =/\=
T'Ango drifted to consciousness in a biobed and slowly opened her eyes. She blinked a few times and groaned at the aches and pains she was feeling. "Home... I need to get home."
Gunnar waited for her to become more aware of where she was at. He'd worked on marines injured in combat before and knew they sometimes reacted badly when regaining consciousness if anyone was near them. But from the reports he'd gotten from the rest of her team, they had been through a lot, and he knew she could use a friendly face.
Still slightly confused, she turned her head and saw him. "ARNASON!! Oh thank the gods you're all right! What about Divash and Warren?" She reached her hand out, looking at the other visitors. Lt Burnstein was there, as was Lt Cdr Ferrari and PO1C Durst Haldane.
"They're OK too," Gunnar assured, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze.
T'Ango dropped her head back on the pillow in relief and closed her eyes to offer a silent prayer. "I had the strangest dream. You were there, Arnason, and Burnie... and Durst... and you, sir..."
Burnie ducked his head, hiding a blush. "I'm sure it was just a dream, T'Ango."
"It seemed so real..." She looked at Arnason. "Even the shorts..."
OOC: Dedicated to Jeff, our dearly departed partner in crime, who wrote much of this
