Don't Look Back

Posted on Thu Mar 30th, 2023 @ 7:02am by Chief Medical Officer Maeliana Lehn & Chief Engineer Jeassaho Kea (Mirror)

Mission: Mission 16: Hysperia
Location: Personal Quarters
3231 words - 6.5 OF Standard Post Measure

The bedroom would likely be described as opulent and luxurious to lower deck crew Jeassaho decided as she sat down on her bed and just glanced over at the woman asleep in the bed. She was beautiful and made coming home after a long day a lot more bearable. Jeassaho could not lie just how late she was thanks to the ship breaking down but at least she had come back with no injuries.

The lighting was dim and moody, casting shadows across the room. It took her back to another bedroom where there had been displays of weapons and trophies, showing her husband's status as a conqueror and warrior. Instead of peaceful artwork and photos, the walls were displayed with images of brutal battles which created the portrait of powerful leaders. It exuded an air of dominance, power, and aggression, reflecting the brutal and cutthroat nature of the society that she had left behind but felt like it was haunting her thanks to Cami’s questioning of her past and the deal they had struck. She scrubbed at her face trying to work out whether she was just going to go to bed or shower first.

As was typical most nights, Mae had stayed awake as long as she'd been able to force her body to. It was partially because she wanted to make sure she was there to debrief if Jeassaho needed it but also because sleeping alone tended to give her nightmares. One thing she hoped their superiors never truly grasped was how subtle yet vital the psionic imprint of another telepath could be on a Betazoid's psyche, how much their minds craved the intricacies of woven conscious as a background foundation upon which all else could be built. Losing their planet hadn't just wrought the understandable grief and profound sense of loss, it had robbed them of a psychological and physiological imperative. In Mae's case, her rescue had acted as something of a similar loss, despite the fact that she was arguably much better off away from the conditions under which she had contact with enough telepaths to form a psionic network. Having her lover close wasn't just a matter of adoring her company; their bond kept her paracortex from self-destructing.

With that motivation in mind, she'd only dozed off in the past half an hour or so. And it was that connection, the awareness at a level beyond what anyone else could understand, that saw the blonde rouse enough to blink open bleary eyes that didn't quite focus. "Mmh." It was a noise without coherency at first. "Hey." Clarity stirred.

Jeassaho had been trying to be quiet but it was easy to forget that mentally she most likely was not at all as quiet as she could have. Thoughts around her husband tended to be loud enough to wake the dead so it stood to reason they woke Mae. “I am sorry. I was trying to be quiet and just come to bed.” She explained glancing over to her.

"Don't be silly." The effort to pull herself from sleep's clutches took a moment longer but Mae eventually stretched and rolled onto her back, pushing herself up to wriggle back against the headboard. "I wanted to be awake when you got back, I guess I just dropped off."

Jeassaho turned and took in the woman. Whilst Jeassaho was darkness the woman in front of her was a creature of light with her blonde hair and sleepy expression. "As you should it is nearly nightnight." Jeassaho explained quietly so not to disturb the equilibrium.

"Not without you here." The sleepy expression became a vague yet sincere smile. There was no need to mention the nightmares, the reason for Mae's reluctance to sleep alone was more than established and the other woman had been present enough for the consequences of trauma-induced psionic regression to know why it just wasn't restful to avoid waiting up, even if it did sound like a good idea. "Everything okay?" It was a question she asked nightly.

"No one tried to stab me and I think the executive officer was flirting with me today and offered me a chance to kill him if we ever get close enough," Jeassaho explained turning away to start undoing her boots. They did not talk often about him but when they did it was deep and traumatic for them both. He was like a shadow that loomed over Jeassaho's life and she did not know how to get rid of him. She loved and hated him in a toxic circle that left her exhausted.

Insecurity plagued Maeliana in a way that had never been the case before Betazed had fallen. At times, there were remnants of her old self, the calm assuredness of a surgeon who knew her own mind and was not afraid to express it. That came with consequence these days, however, and she had been reduced to breeding stock for a little too long not to have left permanent scars. Falling in love with the wife of the man responsible had not been without its problems, and their relationship had been messy in places that threatened to fall apart all over again every time their tiny piece of normality was upturned. Bad enough that someone else had their eye on Jeassaho when Mae had very limited power to prevent its intrusion; the mention of Gregnol instantly reduced the gentle woman to an abandoned husk. The only way she had been able to resolve the feeling of betrayal that stemmed from knowing that Jeassaho still felt anything for him was to just ignore it and hope it flared infrequently. It was bad enough to be cognizant of the other woman's feelings; being able to sense them as a palpable undercurrent threatened to reduce the blonde telepath to a shaking mess.

"Oh."

"It was very strange..." Jeassaho said suddenly realised the tone and turned to look at Mae. "Mae..." Jeassaho slowly moved from her taking her boots off and moved around the dim room to her side of the bed leaving her boots there. She climbed onto the bed and sat practically on the others woman's legs. "I am here... and not going anywhere." Jeassaho softly ventured her hands up her bare arms in a soft gesture as her thoughts turned from the toxic mix to the woman sat in bed.

Downcast eyes failed to meet Jeassaho's worried gaze at first. Once, long ago now, Mae's eyes would have been a similar shade and her hair much closer to chestnut. Simple pigment manipulation had started as a way for her handlers to disguise their breeding stock and now became a visual security that the now-blonde couldn't give up. It was just another example of her obliterated identity but also, a glimmer of hope, actually suited her. There was something far more gentle and patient amidst her bright blue these days. Right now, it also contained shades of deep regret.

"I'm sorry." She stopped short of apologising for how she felt regarding Gregnol but her inability to even hear his name without plunging immediately to the same foreboding conclusion wasn't exactly fair. Jeassaho may have felt conflicted but, at least so far, she'd never retracted her reassurance that the past was in the past. Blinking back the moisture that had threatened to gather, Mae gathered her wits and looked up again. "What did you say? Other than the complete unlikelihood that we would ever get close enough to him."

Jeassaho could feel herself feeling guilty for over sharing but she wanted no secrets between her and Mae even if it might hurt. She just had to keep reassuring the woman that she was not going anywhere as she was not doing anything on her own volition. “Nothing to apologise for.” Jeassaho assured quietly bending to kiss her neck just once and left her head there leaning against her. “I went into a rant over how I was fed up being a trophy as I am a brilliant engineer and then made her help me with the engineering work I was doing.” She said grinning against the soft skin.

As much as there was little to disguise the turmoil beneath the surface, the response at least earned an outwards display of affectionate humour in the form of a gentle laugh. Leaning her head sideways to settle a cheek against her lover's head, Mae closed her eyes and tried to work through the process of packing away all the intrusive thoughts and recollections that threatened her equilibrium. "I bet that went down well."

“I obviously came home none injured so did not take it took badly. Seemed to find my answers and rant amusing her flirty little ass came and helped.” Jeassaho admitted with a laugh. She let the moment settle down and just enjoy the closeness before she finally spoke up. “How can I make you feel better?” She wondered softly.

"I'm fine."

There had been a time where that blatant lie would never have occurred to the Betazoid, being so far removed from the way their society worked that it would have set off countless alarm bells amongst those closest to her. It was a platitude thrown around far too often by those stuck in the perpetual loop of self-preservation, however, a sentiment projected out into the universe because if you weren't fine, there were usually repercussions. In this case, in present company, Mae's only intent was to minimise fuss. They'd been over and over this, so many conversations and tears and a relationship that nearly hadn't happened as a result. There was nothing either of them could do to change the past, and nothing Mae could do to command respect enough that anyone would see her as a reason not to try to get in Jeassaho's pants. Time and time again, the universe had told her that she was nothing. They had manoeuvred her here to gain leverage over their prized possession and even then, she was apparently just a piece of trash Kea cared about, not a living breathing soul with feelings and aspirations and integrity. The only thing that hurt more was knowing that such behaviour inherently assumed Jeassaho was some kind of wanton whore.

Deflated, Mae said the words she always returned to. "I'll just have to deal with it. You're not responsible for the way others behave."

“No but I am also trying to not stab many people this week or get into fights. I just want to come home to you intact without you having to patch me up. It’s not exactly romantic or what my girlfriend should be doing as soon as she gets out of sickbay.” She whispered trying to lighten the mood just a little bit. Jeassaho played the game enough to keep herself safe.

"I know the situation, Jea." Remnants of self-doubt, mingled with testimonies of inadequacy, skittered along the edges of Mae's psionic pulse. She was far stronger telepathically than she'd been immediately after her release but there had been no one to help her rebuild her shattered mindscape outside her fellow captors, who were each suffering their own trauma and did not make the most stable support. Jeassaho herself had been responsible for some of the fine tuning but healing was complex when it involved telepathic malfunction. There were some days where she got way more input than was kind given that it only compounded a very dominant certainty that she had no value outside what they could make Jeassaho do to protect her. "It's the same situation that has always existed. We're not people to them."

“I do not care about them. I care about you living.” Jeassaho said simply nuzzling her neck before she trailed kisses to her cheek. Mine… Jeassaho whispered in her mind wrapping herself around the woman psionically.

Claiming anything in a universe gone mad had become a risk. Until Jeassaho had come along, Mae had lost everything she'd once considered vital, destroyed along with her planet or plucked from her arms when barely weeks old. There had been temptation on both their parts at first to keep anything between them secret, as if hiding had ever been a successful way of holding onto something valuable. The only thing that had done was diminish their interest in Mae to the point where only her medical skills were valued and deployment was based on where the most casualties were. The survival rate in those areas was dismal and so Jeassaho's concern was not unwarranted. Opting to cash-in on her trophy status in exchange for ensuring Mae was kept close hadn't been an easy choice but it had worked so far.

Until it didn't. Mae was well-beyond expecting good things to last for very long.

But, she reaffirmed as she turned just enough to seek Jeassaho's mouth with hers, she could last long enough to do some good. Death came for everyone eventually and she had a daughter to locate and a girlfriend who deserved liberation from glorified servitude. It took effort to cast aside her fears and allow herself to be in the moment but she had practised it enough that, as the kiss deepened, the narrow pinpoint of her focus honed in on the private bubble they kept around themselves like a cocoon. Always.

The brunette could feel her relaxing again as she sought her kisses back even as Jeassaho pulled back breathless at the force of the woman’s proclamation. “You are getting stronger.” She grinned at the strength and nodded proudly before leaning in again for another kiss.

A faintly self-depreciating smile didn't allow a lot of room for praise to make a huge dent in a deep-rooted sense of inferiority but Maeliana at least drew comfort from the understanding that Jeassaho was being sincere. "I have a very patient and understanding mentor."

“You very much do who is very proud of you.” Jeassaho assured pressing a kiss to her forehead as she just stared at her for a moment. “Maeliana… you are beautiful inside and out and I love you fiercely.” Jeassaho wanted to declare more but she let her telepathic connection declare more than she could with words.

The immediate blush was likely what the feisty woman had been aiming for, it lent her lover a demure coyness that restored an illusion of youth. It was easy to lament lost opportunities, to wish for a different set of circumstances that would have allowed them both to meet as whole and vibrant versions on themselves. All they had was this, however imperfect it was, and Jeassaho had at least proven stoic enough to chip away a hole in Mae's defenses just large enough to squeeze into. The outpouring of emotion, once enough to overwhelm her, became a warmth that Mae allowed to wash over her as she relinquished control over her own passion and returned the sentiment entirely. She lifted the other woman's hand to her face and pressed her cheek against the cupped palm. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Of course Jeassaho chipped away at her defences how could she not when the woman was beautiful. She was exactly what she needed. “Let’s not find out hmm…” Jeassaho said not wanting it to sound as solemn as it did so she leant forward and pressed her lips to the woman’s, kissing away the seriousness of her words. She never wanted a day without moments like that with the doctor.

It struck Mae in a surge of emotion, not for the first time, just how much she wished there was another option for them. A peaceful, quiet, away-from-everything existence where they could just be and the rest of the universe held no interest in them beyond whatever tasks they were assigned to bring in an income. It was a futile hope, she doubted Jeassaho could ever stop looking over her shoulder as long as Gregnol lived, and there was no chance at all of locating her own daughter if she hid. Her heart still ached for it, though, the elusive promise of happiness that wasn't loaded down with a heap of caveats.

Over time, and with a great deal of patience, physical intimacy had become a reliable conduit for deeper connection. The flush of arousal had forced Mae to focus, ironically, whilst also curbing psionic inhibition that stemmed from such a stringent regime of trying to pretend she wasn't telepathic. She often expressed her feelings best when they made love, able to properly relax and permit the merging of minds that entrusted Jeassaho with access to parts of herself still damaged and worn. It made it challenging, however, to think clearly once the other woman had persisted in provoking the response, such that Mae eventually had to force herself to pull away, breathless from the effort. "You probably want to shower," she murmured, a valiant effort not to derail the engineer's plans entirely.

The moment was broken by those whispered words and Jeassaho smiled despite the fact it was like an ice bucket. "Spoilsport," Jeassaho said slowly moving away wincing at the movement. "I do smell a bit sweaty." She admitted with a roll of her eyes. It was not like they could not recapture the moment eventually.

"How about I make something light to eat, and some tea." A gentle hand, pressed against Jeassaho's sternum, stroked its thumb against the glimpse of bare skin beneath the gradually-lowering zipper. "We can have it in bed after you've cleaned up." Another slight regret, the need to feel constantly prepared for interruption or imposition. That being said, they would be unlikely to be bothered for the rest of the night and, as such, the time became sacred. Certainly not something to be slept away if either of them had energy enough to make the most of their privacy first.

"If the replicator works." The woman commented with a teasing smile as she ducked and stole one more long kiss. It left them both breathless but Jeassaho moved away finally and moved to chuck her clothes onto the floor to sanitise later once the replicator was confirmed as working or not working. It felt freeing to not be so confined on this ship, she did not have to carry weapons on her even as an engineer.

A moment passed as Mae simply watched the door, trapped amidst a barrage of conflicting emotions that never made it easy to settle on any one particularly mood. Jeassaho's attempts to reassure her usually clawed back some semblance of confidence in their situation but it never eradicated the doubt entirely. Their happiness depended too much on the grace or lack thereof of other people and, thus far, Maeliana had not experienced a lot of luck in anticipating kindness from strangers. With a slow exhalation, she untangled herself from the bedsheets, and her complicated thoughts, and set her mind to the far simpler task of making home, such as it was, as comfortable as possible. If nothing else, she could spend the rest of her time keeping Jeassaho whole. As far as aspirations went, Mae was reasonably sure there were worse ways to surrender.