Drunk, Depressed, Struggling

Posted on Wed Apr 18th, 2018 @ 1:36am by Ka'see 'Cassie' Anderson (*)
Edited on on Sun Apr 29th, 2018 @ 9:34pm

Mission: Ishimura
Location: Vulcan
Timeline: Pre Ishimura - 2241
2029 words - 4.1 OF Standard Post Measure

Breathing steady, she took a firm grasp of his mind, saying over and over again 'just to rip it off like a band-aid', a pain only those flying on second-rate civilian ships ever had to endure in the 23rd Century with everything they had now compared to years before. Cassie was down on the floor of the living room feeling sorry for her self as she looked at an old-fashioned book.

Everyone made blunders, she knew this, she just hoped he not gone too far this time in what she had done in her quest to figure herself out. It has left her depressed, feeling dark and twisty enough to find some alcohol when she didn't normally touch the stuff.

Coming home, Tevir felt a terrible headache coming up which left his head spinning. He set down his case by the door and walked into the house rubbing his temples with his fingers. "Ka'See?" he called out, not even noticing her lying on the floor yet. He had his eyes closed as he tried to simply will an odd headache away.

"I'm here." She said waving a hand in a come here motion from where she was sat. "Always here when you come in," She didn't work as long hours as he did at all.

He took an unsteady step forward, feeling oddly strange all of a sudden the closer he got to her. "Are you alright?" he asked as he saw her lying stretched out on the floor. He attempted to kneel down and keeled over, rolling over onto his back. He blinked in surprise, finding her in sudden closer proximity than he had anticipated.

"Hi." She greeted as his face came closer to hers all of a sudden. She grinned a little as she realised that he was drunk thanks to their bond.

"Hi," he replied, smiling as her face appeared above him. "How was your day?" For some reason, he felt a little loopy but he couldn't pin his finger on why he was feeling loopy.

"Bad." She admitted knowing this conversation would need to happen when she was drunk. She slowly moved and straddle his stomach and looked down at him. "I'm drunk..." She admitted with a smile.

Resting his hands on her hips to steady her, he looked up. "I know," he answered mildly, "though I do not understand why. It makes me feel extremely odd...." He reached up to stroke her cheek. "Want to talk about it?"

Cassie sighed and tried to pull back on the bond just enough for him to think and feel normal. "I like the feeling." She said feeling guilty for her selfish actions suddenly. It was hard to explain to him things after only a month of marriage.

"You like the feeling of being drunk?" He arched an eyebrow as he looked up at her, feeling her pull up her mental shields and shutting him out. His headache eased a little, but not altogether. "Odd...what makes you like to drink so much?"

"I do..." She said looking down at him. "It allows me to relax." She admitted feeling for the first time in a long while to him calm and relaxed.

"I do not understand. Why are you unable to relax without being drunk? This is your home Ka'See, you can do anything here to make you feel at home and make it such that you can relax under normal circumstances." He sat up, cradling her in his arms so she wouldn't topple backwards. "I can only do so much to help you Ka'See, I am doing all I can to make you feel comfortable here. Am I doing something wrong?"

Cassie's eyes went wide and she shook her head. "You my husband are doing all you need to. This isn't about our home or even us. Outside of here, I am struggling." It was hard to define where the struggle was coming from but it was becoming more and more evident.

"Then tell me how I can help you so you will not be struggling," Tevir begged of her, "what can I do? what needs to be done so you will not struggle?"

The woman raised an eyebrow even in her drunk state she could hear the tone of begging. "You can do what you are doing right now." She whispered kissing his forehead softly as she pressed close to him.

"Not while you are drunk," Tevir said, not quite pushing her away. "Do you want anything to sober up? Then we can talk about how to help you 'out there' and feel less like you need to struggle. I assume this is about fitting in?"

"I am more honest right now." She told him a little disappointed but what did she truly expect from him. He had barely dealt with emotions until she burst into his life.

"As you wish." He could sense her disappointment but he wasn't going to appease her when she was drunk, nor see to his own needs when she was in this state. It felt wrong, plain and simple. "Then tell me, honestly, why are you struggling, and with what?"

"Because..." She sighed and looked away from him. Taking a deep breath she clambered off of him and sat on the floor next to him a small pout on her face as she tried to put her drunken thoughts in order. "I've always been a secret... My father has never been high enough in our society to have me recognised. I was always taught to not be seen, not be heard, be the best Vulcan you could be despite your troubles. My human side is not a trouble to me, it is the part of me that makes me wants to love you and have a life here." She sighed thinking of her colleagues today that had been jealous deleting her work after she had gotten a compliment. It wasn't true at all that Vulcans didn't feel emotions, they were just very good at hiding it, hiding how they felt.

"Then why try to be Vulcan when clearly you feel more Human?" Tevir suggested, "it makes no difference to me if you feel more Human. I want you to be who you are, not who they want you to be." He reached out and tilted her face up to him. "What would you like to do most? Out there, I mean. What would give you great joy in doing?"

"Because outside of here they don't accept that." She whispered her eyes connecting with his. "I am doing what I can do out there. This is why I am a secret out there since I was a child." She reminded him softly thinking of all the blood tests she had been running.

"What would you like to do most," he asked gently, "and I do not understand why you were kept a secret. You are a person with needs and desires, a very intelligent woman I am proud to call my wife. And I will do everything I can do to help you, you have my word. I want you to feel safe, and comfortable, and free to do whatever you want to do."

"Because the Vulcan science council wanted to be the ones to discover how to join our genomes instead of it being a human... my mother. She was the top in her field but she gave it all up for my father, for love." She said softly as she turned away from him and sighed wishing she could just find something that her mother left behind. Something that would allow her to understand.

"That is wrong," Tevir countered, "for all they knew you are the product of natural reproduction. You are denied your life because of someone else's ego. That is wrong." He turned her back around so she was facing him. "Tell me how I can help," he pleaded with her. "What can I do."

"It hasn't happened before. Our genomes are incompatible without help... three months in and something doesn't work." She said thinking back to all her studies, anything she had ever seen about there own species. "Just love me." She whispered sadly looking at the floor.

Tevir gently tilted her face back up and cast her the kind of smile he reserved only for her. "I will," he promised, "sober up and I will show you."

The woman was surprised when he made her look up at him. He didn't do anything like that often and hadn't really touched her since the effect of Pon Farr had left him completely. "I... it has been weeks?" She said moving back just out of reach the surprised a little.

"So?" He shifted his hand to caress her cheek with the back of his fingers. "Do I need an excuse to be with my wife?"

"No, but you've.... it hasn't happened since..." She murmured as he followed her caressing her cheek. It was odd, she had laid next to him and felt like a block of ice.

"I had the feeling you did not want to. I would never force you...I desire you but I would never if you said no. I am not made of stone Ka'See, but neither are you. I would not reject you either."

"I assumed... see this is why I get drunk not only do I relaxed I run my mouth." She sighed standing up feeling stupid now, she had been so consumed by her own thoughts and work issues that she had thought it was him not wanting her. They needed to talk, to communicate more. Why was she finding it so hard when she used to talk to Johnathen so easily?

"Perhaps assume less and act more," Tevir smiled, "go on, get yourself sober. I would prefer sober you over drunk you. And then we shall see what we can do about showing you about love."

Cassie knew he loved her in his own way but was that enough? The woman sighed and shook her head at him as she went to the bathroom to have a shower at the very least. He wasn’t understanding what she was feeling being on Vulcan and feeling like she was trying to fit in a mould that she would never be able to. It was hard to explain it but it was a constant fear of her, that she just wasn’t good enough.

Following her, grabbing a large towel, Tevir waited until she stepped out of the shower then gently draped the item around her, drawing her close to him once more. he held her tight enough to feel the heat of her body but gently enough for her to move away if she wanted to. "Now, where were we?" he murmured as he tilted her face up. His fingers spread across her cheek in an attempt to meld with her as he kissed her. He hoped she wouldn't reject it, but hesitated long enough for her to be able to reject him.

She looked down at the dark coloured towel that he wrapped around her for a moment before he pulled her closer. It wasn't something she was used to since the last effects of Pon Farr had left them, she found herself craving his touch more than she had ever craved Johnathen because it went deeper than just touch, she was linked so much deeper. "About here..." She whispered as his lips touched her. She jolted in surprise at the meld but didn't move away.

Grateful that she didn't, he moved his free hand, pressing her closer, feeling his own clothes go damp. He let their thoughts flow between them, memories he wished to share with her, feelings he would never voice out loud. I cherish thee... It was as good as 'I love you' at least coming from him.

Lifting her up, still using just the one hand, he blindly found his way to the bed and let himself fall backwards, pulling her over him. while letting the towel fall away.


OFF::

Tevir
Civilian Scientist
Vulcan
(PNPC Sommners)

Ensign Cassie McAvoy
Geneticist
Starfleet
(PNPC Gregnol)