Keep it in Mind (Meld)

Posted on Thu Apr 13th, 2023 @ 7:01pm by Executive Officer Jake Ford & Ka'see 'Cassie' Anderson (*)

Mission: Mission 16: Hysperia
Location: Jake's Quarters
Timeline: MD-6 (Evening)
3544 words - 7.1 OF Standard Post Measure

There was someone behind him. Chasing. Were they a friend? A threat? It was so hard to tell.

Jake was breathless from running, but his legs felt like they were filled with lead. Unable to move...it was getting closer...

A mirror loomed in front of him. His own reflection. Except - was it? The hair looked like it was getting longer. And his beard was completely shaved. His ears looked...longer? His clothes had changed. They were closer, more fitted. Cinched in at the waist.

That wasn't him. Was it? The eyes looking back were...someone else.

A hand touched his shoulder.

"Eihllu...Wake up!"



Jake gasped as he woke, sweat droplets already formed on his brow. It took him several seconds to catch his breath and refocus on the world around him. His quarters. On the Mary Rose. In some ways, that was a relief.

He slid out of the bed, hoping not to wake Cassie from her slumber next to him, and moved slowly to the adjoining bathroom to splash a little water on his face. His eyes caught his own in the mirror, looking back at him. For a half-second, he felt his heart catch as well. Then a hand on his shoulder.

He whirled in surprise at the cool touch. Surprise turned into recognition when he saw Cassie's face looking up at him.

"Sorry..." he managed to mutter. "Did I wake you?"

Cassie had not been prepared for him to turn so quickly nor for the look on his face that bordered on something other than surprise. Her hand instantly dropped from his bare shoulder to her side. “Does not matter.” She said quietly stepping back a little to give him a little more space. “Are you okay?” She wondered looking at him in the semi light.

He shrugged, a combination of sheepishness and tiredness. "Bad dreams," he sighed. "Same as always."

Cassie sighed softly wishing she could gather him up and offer him some comfort but he seemed more struggling than usual. “So how can I help?” She asked. “Or do you need to talk about it?”

"I..." He thought about hiding it all away. That was what he was meant to do, right? Conceal and resist. But was that him thinking that, or was it...something else? Finally, he let himself take comfort in the woman in front of him. Cassie cared, he knew. It would be wrong to hold it all inside. "These dreams. They don't seem to want to go away. I think it's maybe that...bleeding effect, I think Oliver called it? Since the whole situation with the ship breaking down, I feel like it's gotten worse."

"Okay... so what can we do? Tell me about these dreams?" She asked softly slowly touching his hand relieved he did not pull away and tugged him back into the bedroom. They were a couple, right? That's what couples did try and fix things together. She had been looking at the bleeding effect that he had mentioned previously when the ship had broken down but with Tevir's death and then Maras' issues she had not able to do much more. It was a side effect that done of the others including herself had noticed or observed so it was hard to gauge if it was Romulan versus Human but if that had been he case there might have been something between her and Micheal.

"They're hard to describe. Like instinctual feelings rather than actual sequences of events," he explained, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her. He looked down at her smaller hand in his. "Feelings of being trapped. Of...changing. Becoming something else. Like it's overwhelming me, almost. I'm...worried that's what's going to happen." He looked up at her. "What if I stop being me? What if I become someone else?"

Cassie leant over and grabbed the blanket that had been tossed on the floor at some point when they slept and wrapped it around his shoulder trying to offer some confront in what was becoming an uncomfortable situation for him. “Jake we are always changing and furthering ourselves but if you feel it is becoming something more than that changing you in a way that you do not like then we… me and you need to face it head on if you want me there.”

Sharing his feelings wasn't an easy thing to do, he knew. The fact that he was trying to be open was a start, but he just couldn't figure out where it was all going, and what it meant. "I just - I'm finding it hard to explain," he said. "I'm not so good with the words, you know?"

“What about a mind meld?” She questioned at his suggestion pulling her hand back to wrap her arms around her body. Mind melding was an uncomfortable subject for her.

His eyebrows raised at that. Initially, he was surprised, given he'd never undergone anything like that before. But then there was a realisation that underneath that surprise - and the momentary fear that accompanied it - he felt something else: he felt a connection. A mind meld was something that felt a step beyond the intimacy they had already shared. He touched her hand. "Are you sure?" he asked softly. "I don't want to put you through something that you're not ready for, but...maybe if it would help you understand?"

"It is not that. It is... my own area of uncomfortableness around mind melds is Johnathan liked them for... let us just say its another thing that led to our relationship being something painful but I do not think you are like that." She said slowly turning her hand to weave through his. It was a delicate subject that very few knew about just how traumatic her previous relationship had turned out to be in retrospect. "I am more than happy to delve into this if you are." It worked both ways.

His hand clasped hers. "I suppose you wouldn't have offered if you weren't sure yourself," he commented, accepting that although she might not have been entirely settled with the idea, it was also a step she was willing to take for him. There was comfort in that. "It's, uh..." He gave her a sheepish look. "My first time. You'll be gentle?"

Any other time the sheepish look would have been adorable but right now it spoke of the level of uncomfortableness that he was feeling. “When have I ever not been gentle with you?” The woman demanded with a roll of her eyes and a gentle smile.

"Good point."

“Put a tee on and we’ll start.” She prompted letting go of his hands to rise from the bed to find her cardigan. The room was not chilly but the item of clothing offered some comfort to her.

He grabbed his discarded shirt from the day before and pulled it over himself before sitting back down on the corner of the bed to wait for Cassie. He sat in silence as she alighted next to him, waiting with a weird sense of trepidation at what was to come next.

Cassie went through every doubt in her mind. In a few moments it took for her to put a cardigan on. It was strange to be having this request, but she had a lot of feelings towards the man after the last couple of months and she owed him that. She sat that down next to the man carefully. “Okay I’m going to have to touch your temples and cheeks, and if there is anything you do not want me to see inside your mind just think of a door I won’t go bashing down doors or anything. And the same goes for me if there is something I do not want you to see in my mind I will think of a door.” She explained quickly.

"All right. Here goes nothing then..." he murmured.

Jake felt Cassie's fingertips touch his face, tentatively at first. Nothing seemed to happen straight away, but as she began to speak about their minds touching one another's, he began to feel it. Memories and thoughts that weren't his own; but not the strange distant ones he had been sensing in recent weeks. Instead, it was warm, welcoming, and calming. Cassie's voice, without her lips moving.

His eyes drifted closed as a rush of memories and thoughts passed through his mind. Images of places familiar and strange. Of Vulcan, and of times decades ago. Growing up. Friends, rivals, and everything in between.

"It's...hard to focus," he murmured. As if on command, the rush of imagery and sound washed away like a river, leaving a calm. Like transitioning from rapids into a completely still and serene lake. "Thank you," he added, knowing that she was far more controlled in this than he was. "What comes next?"

"Sorry, it was my memories bothering you," Cassie said creating a space where he would be able to see himself and her in an almost scene. They looked similar to how they did in the real world just fuzzier and less fixed in appearance. "That is your choice... I think." She said trying to focus better to create a scene, her mind finally settled on a holoworld corridor. "Not what I wanted at all.... but it will do. We can journey and find the place where everything is not correct." She had been wanting some type of corridor so they could find where whatever is wrong was.

He blinked, surprised at how this worked. He still wasn't sure whose mind all of this was; or whether it was an amalgamation of both of theirs. "Interesting choice," he said, motioning.

"I think I chose here as this is a very strong emotion I have about this corridor and you have nothing quite so strong about a corridor..." She explained with a shrug. "This is your journey... i am just setting the scene it seems."

He nodded. "So. I don't know what comes next. Do we...explore?" he looked at the endless corridor and the various doors at intervals along it. Presumably, sections of his psyche or memories that he'd shut away. Before Cassie could answer, there was a loud boom from behind one of the doors. Startled, Jake looked from the doorway to Cassie and back again. "Did I do that?" he wondered.

Cassie raised an eyebrow and nodded. "I believe that might be what you are trying to hide from yourself." Cassie was not someone who knew what she was doing fully. This was not something that she had experienced before in this way but she was doing this for Jake. "I am here... and we are safe." She reassured him quickly touching his mental form whilst she wrapped the comforting feelings around him.

"Safe..." he murmured, echoing her sentiment. He stared at the door as another bang rang out. "My memories of holoworld were far from safe," he noted. But they were in this for him, and for some answers as to why he was feeling the way he was feeling. So as unsettling as all of this was, it was something he needed to face. He put a hand on the door. It felt for all intents and purposes real, despite being entirely in his mind. Or Cassie's. Or something in the middle.

He pushed. The door creaked, then slowly gave way and opened into the darkness beyond. He looked back at Cassie.

"Stay with me?" he asked softly.

Her hand slipped into his and she nodded. "Always." She promised softly. It was not something she took lightly doing something like for someone.

Hand-in-hand, the two of them stepped through and into the darkness.

Beyond, the shadows convalesced and reformed themselves into a room. Apparently, given the furnishings, a bedroom. At least from the looks of it. A window on one wall looked out over a lush green world, with blurred and unremarkable buildings in the foreground. Standing in the doorway opposite them, emerging from the shadows, stood someone else.

At first it was hard to distinguish features; as though those features hadn't existed at all until that point. A humanoid shape, formless, then sharpening and creating a body - female - and a face. And ears. Pointed ones. A mane of long black hair flowed back over lithe shoulders, while two piercing green eyes locked onto Jake's. She looked Vulcanoid. Maybe Romulan, from the vague forehead markings. For a moment he thought she was Liha - but she wasn't. There were perhaps trace elements present, but she looked more like a half-human...and with some of his own facial features more prominent.

"I don't...who?" Jake wondered. The woman kept her eyes on him, assessing him with confusion just as he stared back.

Cassie raised an eyebrow. "You do not know her?" The woman asked softly as she tried to work it all out. It did not feel like they were in a memory. "This is not a memory... memories are hazy and they glow... this is something different."

"Not memory." The voice was feminine. From the woman standing in front of them. She looked at Cassie. Then at Jake. "You."

"Me?" he frowned. She nodded.

"I am you. Or...part of you. Most of you? It's hard to say." She shrugged, moving to the window and staring into the openness beyond. "I am not you. And yet I am."

"Well that clears everything up," Jake said dryly, glancing at Cassie.

Cassie was as confused as him but she was allowing her thoughts to whirl, trying and assess what was happening. She was a scientist and this was science that needed her to unravel and to work it out for Jake.

"I exist here...in your mind. Kilhra'eri..." The final word seemed to catch even her off guard. "I have some memories. Some parts of someone else. But I am mostly you. I think."

"So, what? I have another person in my head?" Jake wondered.

"Not exactly. She can help explain," the woman said, pointing at Cassie.

"You are a merge remain from Liha?" The woman asked. She had only seen it in a few Vulcan cases with Katra issues or forced mind melds. The shock of an incident created a safe space in someone's mind to compensate for the trauma that had happened.

The woman smiled. "Mostly. I'm not Liha. I am not Jake Ford. I am...something different."

"You're not about to try to kill me and take over my body, right?" Jake asked. He glanced between the two women. "I mean, that's how this usually ends up going."

"As entertaining as the prospect would be," the woman smirked. "No. I have no designs nor any capability to influence you. In fact, I believe I exist to help you. This...merge remnant?" she glanced at Cassie curiously to see if she understood the reference correctly. "A way of your human brain compartmentalising the Rihannsu neural pathways. Not exactly a separate personality. Think of me like your ship's computer; I exist to process and retain information - but I don't set the course or influence anything else."

It was a lot to process and comprehend. Jake's initial reaction ought to have been to doubt everything she was saying, yet there was something innate in the way she spoke that made him want to trust her implicitly. "What do you think?" Jake asked, looking at Cassie.

“Does not matter what I think Jake. I am here to support you with this as I promised.” She reminded him offering a smile and what she hoped was a supportive look. There was nothing about this that was not a logical route in a brains attempt to defend its self.

"Sounds kinda crazy if you ask me..." he mumbled.

“But if you want my opinion your body reacted this way to keep you safe from something that was not safe for you.” Cassie explained gently as her mental form touched his arm. “It is pretty amazing. Makes you more intriguing than you were already.” She teased flirting just a little with him to give them some levity as she glanced to the female’s form.

"So all you have to worry about is the 'other woman' living inside my head?" he mused, matching her moment of levity. He looked over at the figure standing opposite them. "So, what do I even call you?"

The woman regarded him thoughtfully. "Kilhra," she murmured. Looking up, she met his gaze. "It means 'concealed' in Rihannsu. It would feel appropriate since I am inaccessible to anyone else but you." Her eyes flicked across to Cassie. "And those you share your mind with."

"Kilhra. The hidden Romulan in my brain." Jake sighed. "Nothing messed up about that, then."

Cassie smiled thoughtfully and shook her head. She had never ever considered for a moment that there was another woman but she could appreciate the joke and levity. “Kilhra…” Cassie reacted with a nod to the figure.

"It could be worse, she could be trying to control my mind and take over..." he muttered.

“Would you like more time to discuss this?” Cassie wondered quietly feeling drained suddenly. It had always hit out of nowhere even when she had been more practised to an almost second nature to her. It was one of the many things she missed about Tevir.

"I think more likely I - we - need time to process," he answered. "This was weirdly insightful, though." He looked back at Kilhra. "If we break the meld...will you still be here? Still, exist?"

The Vulcanoid-looking woman smirked slightly. "In your dreams, perhaps."

"Nothing sinister about that, then." He looked at Cassie again. "I'm ready."

Cassie nodded at the figure before she slowly called back to herself. Separating herself from Jake, one strand at a time. It was a numbing sensation as she pulled away and for a moment she was disconnected before she remember who she was. It was an exhausting process but she blinked finally and she was back in his room and her head dropped to his shoulder as her fingers slipped from his face.

"You...okay?" He mumbled, feeling the drain himself but nowhere near as much as she would be. He eased back to the bed and let her rest herself on his chest, which was probably more comfortable than his shoulder. "That was unexpected. But...I guess it explains a few things. The mind partitioning things, making it all make sense. What do you think? Vulcans usually have a little more understanding of the psyche, right?"

Cassie followed him without comment and lay her head there listening to his steady heart beat for a moment as her eyes closed allowing her a moment to relax. “I feel like I have done Starfleet final year fitness exam four times over. That’s the longest I have maintained it since 2244.” She admitted moving her hand to spread out across his chest. “It makes sense Jake. Your brain took what happened and turned it into something it could understand better even when it was corrected some of it stuck.”

"Stuck is the word all right. But...I think understanding it all helps a little. And if there's something - or someone, I guess - taking some of that stuff away from me, then it's actually sort-of comforting." He paused. "I still think it might be worth Evelyn taking a more medical look in the morning, though."

"Definitely," Cassie said sleepily before a thought occurred to her. "You could see if there is a Vulcan Priestess around if you want to get it removed. They were able to help me previously. They might be able to?" She offered trying to think of ways to help even as her thoughts became exhausted from the expenditure to maintain a meld for such a long time after so long since she had attempted.

"Honestly, I only just found out about...her?" It felt like a strange thing to say. "For now I just think I need to get comfortable with the idea."

"This is comfortable though." The woman commented slowly moving her head from his chest to lay her chin on his chest to look up at him.

"Yeah." He smiled, cradling her head with his hand, before stretching down to give her a peck on the forehead. "Thank you, Cassie. That was more than a lot of people would have done for me."

Cassie took a moment to offer a sleepy smile and then a confused look as she wondered for a moment what his previous relationships had been like to make it seem like it was a big thing. "What relationships are all about. You help each other." She said with a shrug. It felt like the basic in a relationship when there was a problem, you did anything and everything to fix the situation for the other person.

Jake didn't respond to that. But it made him think, at the very least, that this newfound element in his life - Kilhra - might be just that: helpful.